P.S. I Miss You

Hearing the voice of my father

July 16, 2009 | By: Sheena Diane

When I was fifteen years old, my Daddy passed away of a massive heart attack. I was at school and got called to the office, to hear the most horrifying news of my life. The voice on the other end was a lady co-worker of his and told me he had dropped while at work. After falling to my knees, I broke into tears. I soon collected myself enough to call my Momma and give her the news.
Arriving at the hospital and seeing him laying there on life support, all felt as if I were in a dream. How could this be reality? Shortly after we arrived and family began to gather, he let go of life! The part that hurts me the most is that I never got to say goodbye to him. The last memory I will ever have is getting into a stupid fight with him over not getting my way. Such silly teenage nonsense, thinking I knew it all.
At first I was a zombie, people would hug me, and I felt nothing. I could not tell you who I talked to, who came to visit or what I ate. It was like I died along with him. Everything I saw, touched, or smelt, reminded me of him. Finally my Mom decided it was time to move. For me, I had lost my heart, my soul, my world! No matter where we went, it could not bring my Daddy back to me. So many months had passed and I felt nothing, I was a shell, a living, breathing zombie. I had not cried since that day on the phone, I just existed. After moving into a new house, the day finally came when I broke down. I could not possible function anymore and the tears busted out of me and I began to run! I ran into the woods to be alone and while I was running I was screaming. I suddenly stopped running because the pain was so unbearable. Curled up in the fetal position, laying on dirt, grass and leaves, surrounded by trees and sky, I had given up. I did not want to go on just existing anymore. I wanted to be with him. So many months had passed & I still felt like it just had happened. It was at that moment, with my eyes closed, wet and full of tears that I heard his voice. That single moment that brought me back to life. It was like I felt him right there with me. I heard his voice in my head & from that moment on, I knew I would be alright. He said to me “I am not dead; I am more alive now than I ever was in the flesh. I have not left you my darling; I can be with you more now than I ever could before, so get up.”
I jumped up and my heart was beating a mile a minute. “Did I just hear my Daddy’s voice?” I got down on my knees and prayed for the first time since it had happened. I prayed for forgiveness, for life, to feel happiness again, to feel anything again. I prayed and prayed until light began to fade. The lord gave me peace that day & from that moment on I was able to cope, I was able to think, I was slowly becoming me again. After that day it felt like a weight had been lifted. I could breathe easier and did not feel so depressed. Now I am going to say it was easy, because I am still to this day missing my Daddy.
Nine years have gone by since that horrific day that I got called to the school office. I can proudly say I am happier now than I have ever been. I have a wonderful husband now and a beautiful two year old daughter, who puts a smile on my face each day. I’m not going to lie and say I am completely over losing my father because the truth is, I miss him every day. When that day comes around each year, the day he left me, I become that 15 year old girl again. That moment stays with me & the pain I felt comes right back. I can’t let it go no matter how hard I try. God has truly helped me deal with everyday life. I can sometimes go months without thinking of that day but he is always on my mind. Anytime my daughter does something that makes me smile, I wish he could see it. Anytime my husband buys me flowers or holds the door for me, I wish he could say he was proud of whom I choose. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, to hold his granddaughter the day she was born. Those are the times I miss him the most, but I know he is in a better place. Besides, anytime I want to hold his hand again, I can just close my eyes and he is always there. I will always miss him, which will never change no matter how much time has passed, but I can never forget that day in the woods. I keep his words with me and I feel at ease, a since of peace. It’s easier to except when I know he never really left me. I know he is always with me and because of that I can deal with life again.
They say time heals everything, but for me, that’s not true. I still miss him just as much today as I did that first day. I still long to say goodbye and wish so badly that I could take back those harsh words I said all those years ago. I find that if you just wake up every day with happiness and joy in your heart, you can be thankful for all the blessings you have. It makes the pain melt away. We all eventually experience that “day in the woods”. We just have to be strong enough to let it lift us up and keep us going. It is easy to just lay there and cry but it’s much harder to “keep going”!

Written by:
Sheena Diane Matos
July 2, 2009
www.SheenaDiane.info